I'm a freelance writer and photographer. I like media, sports and photography stuff. I keep it short and sweet here but I also have a Mass Effect 2 is a video game masterpiece with thrilling gunfights and superb graphics, but its pitch-perfect dialogue may be its best feature. For your reading pleasure I now present some of the best quotes from the game, organized by character. If you notice a worthy quote that’s absent from my list (or you spot an error), leave a comment or email it to me at matt.marquez[at]gmail.com and I’ll make the change.
**Spoilers** (Don’t say I didn’t warn you)
Shepard
“If I chose to, I could kill every person in this room and walk out unscathed.”
“This is what we can do, here, today. It ends with us.”
“Just once, I’d like for someone to say ‘Yes, certainly, I’ll help you save the galaxy! Just let me go grab my stuff!’”
Guard: “As this is a high-security vessel, you must relinquish possession of your weapons.”
Shepard: “I’ll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want it?”
“You still don’t get it. You’re not in charge of this mission. I am.”
“If I know Grunt right his answer will come at muzzle velocity.”
C-Sec Agent: “Our scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you’re… dead.”
Shepard: “I’m getting that everywhere. It’s a pain in the ass.”
“I was only mostly dead. Try finding that option on government paperwork.”
“The Collectors are about to find out what happens when you piss me off.”
“I won’t be second guessed on my own ship by my own ship.”
“You can either fight at my side or get crushed under my heel. But you will not stand in my way.”
Enemy mercenary: “I have nothing more to say to you.”
[Shepard pushes him out the window to his death]
Shepard: “How about ‘goodbye?’”
“Name our target and it’ll die.”
“If I flee I might trip over the dozen Krogan I killed to get here.”
“Give me a name or I’ll cut your balls off and sell them to a Krogan.”
“Those guys were a waste of skin… scales… whatever.”
Attack survivors: ‘”What are you going to do, kill us?”
Shepard: “If I have to. Do I have to?”
Shepard: “Want to dance? Watch this.”
[Dances around]
Dancer: “No thanks. I’m happy with just me and the music.”
“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store of the citadel”
[Reporter criticizes Shepard during live broadcast]
Shepard: “I’ve had enough of your disingenuous assertions.”
[Punches reporter]
Shepard: “I wish I’d done that the first time we met.”
Shepard: “Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face paint on there, and no one will even notice.”
Garrus: “Ha-ah! Don’t make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is. Some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are Krogan…”
Shepard: “It would take a real badass to make it back to camp injured”
Injured Krogan: “I can do it”
Shepard: “I said a badass not some whiny scout who whines like a quarian with a tummy ache”
Tali: “Hey!”
Injured Krogan: “RAAAWG I CAN DO IT” *runs off*
Tali : “…I can’t believe that worked.”
[to Jack]
Shepard: “I’m asking to be your friend, you don’t want to be my enemy.”
Garrus: “They have a way of dying…”
Garrus: “How bad does it look?”
Shepard: “It’ll be fine after we slap on some paint. No one will be able to tell the difference.”
Garrus: “Well, I suppose it’s for the best. All the women were ignoring you and hitting on me.”
Miranda: “And perhaps I wouldn’t mind if you admired my body.”
Miranda: “This is no time to fall in love.” Shepard: “Who said anything about love? I just want to get you into bed.” Miranda: [Laughs] “You ass.”
Shepard: “You wouldn’t, huh?”
Miranda: “I think I could live with it.”
Shepard: “It’s only fair. You’ve had two years to look at me. And I was wearing less than you are.”
“How about we all take a step back from the weird alien impaling devices?”
Joker: “It’ll be better than the old days.”
Shepard: “I hope so. I died.”
Shepard: “What do you think of the music here?”
Morinth: “Dark rhythms. Violent pulses…
Shepard: “If you’ve heard of it, it’s already too mainstream for me.”
EDI
“Probing Uranus.”
EDI: “I love the sight of humans on their knees. [pause] That is a joke.”
Joker: “Right.”
EDI: “Defeating the Thresher Maw has produced six breeding requests for Grunt. And one for Shepard.”
Grunt: “Hah!”
EDI: “We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you’re going to have to help me. Give me the ship.”
Joker:” What, are you crazy? You start singing “Daisy Bell” and I’m done!”
Joker: “Shhhhhhhhhhh!”
Shepard: “Joker?”
Joker: ” Commander… I can tell… when… it’s listening”
EDI: “I’m always listening”
Joker: “I KNOW!”
[to Joker]
“Some of your extranet bookmarks are technically illegal in council space”
Garrus
“Krogan testicles can sell for up to 10,000 apiece. That’s 40,000 for a full set.”
[Grunt is experiencing growing pains]
Garrus: “So this is adolescence? Can’t we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?”
“A quarantine zone for a plague that kills Turians. Why don’t we go anywhere nice?”
Garrus: “A hospital. Not a good place to have a fight.”
Mordin: “What IS a good place to have a fight?”
Garrus: “Garden… electronics store… antique shop, if it’s classy.”
[To Shepard]
“The Collectors killed you once and all that did was piss you off. I can’t imagine they’ll stop you this time.”
Garrus: You ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?
Tali: No.
Garrus: Come on, remember how we’d all ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!
Tali: This conversation is over.
Garrus: Tell me again about your immune system.
Tali: I have a shotgun.
Garrus: Maybe we’ll talk later.
Garrus: “You mean we can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn’t I told?”
Tali: “Well that’s about every 4 minutes!”Garrus: “This recon scout and I had been at each other’s throats. Nerves, mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring.”
Shepard: “I assume you took her down gently?”
Garrus: “Actually she and I were the top ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach, but she had flexibility. It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room.”
Garrus: “We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.”
[Discussing possible romance with female Shepard]
Garrus: “I’d wait, if you’re okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible…and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink.”
[pause]
Garrus: “Wait… that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.”
Garrus (to female Shepard): “If you were a Turian, I’d be admiring your fringe or waist, so uh… your waist is nice and um… your hair looks good.”
[to Jack]
Shepard: “I’m asking to be your friend, you don’t want to be my enemy.”
Garrus: “They have a way of dying…”
Garrus: “How bad does it look?”
Shepard: “It’ll be fine after we slap on some paint. No one will be able to tell the difference.”
Garrus: “Well, I suppose it’s for the best. Everybody was always ignoring you and hitting on me. Time for you to get a fair shot at it.”
Shephard: “That son of a bitch sent us right into Collector hands!”
Garrus: “And here I thought I’d had my betrayal and attempted murder for this year.”
Grunt
Garrus: “We’re vulnerable here if that elevator isn’t empty.”
Grunt: “Yeah, we should get behind…stuff.”
“I’d never stab you in the back, Shehard. Warriors like you and me… straight to the face.”
Jack (aka Subject Zero)
“So fuck you, and thanks for asking.”
“Shit, you sound like a pussy.”
Jacob
[After Shepard has interrupted his interrogation of an Eclipse Merc by shoving him out a window]
Jacob: ”…So when do we read him his rights?”
“A good deed is like pissing yourself in dark pants. You get a warm feeling but nobody notices.”
Joker
“Commander, we got Garrus back! That’s great, because he was totally my favorite. With that pole up his ass.”
[about Garrus after a mission]
“Seems like Garrus has finally pulled that stick out of his ass and is now beating people to death with it.”
“Hey, thanks Commander! Another dangerous alien on the ship! Why can’t you collect coins, or commemorative plates or something!?”
[Referring to EDI]
“I sprained my thumb on the mute button, but I think I got my point across.”
“If that thing starts claiming to be the ‘Vanguard of Our Destruction’ I call shotgun on the first life boat.”
“Great. See, this is where it starts, and when we’re all just organic batteries, guess who they’ll blame? “This is all Joker’s fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord.”
EDI: “We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you’re going to have to help me. Give me the ship.”
Joker: “What, are you crazy? You start singing “Daisy Bell” and I’m done!”
Joker: “Shhhhhhhhhhh!”
Shepard: “Joker?”
Joker: ” Commander… I can tell… when… it’s listening”
EDI: “I’m always listening”
Joker: “I KNOW!”
Joker: “Jack and Miranda are having a little… disagreement. Could you get down there before somebody tears a bulkhead?”
Shepard: “I’ll look into it.”
Joker: “Take pictures.”
[Robot dance in imitation of Legion]
Illusive Man
[Forthcoming]
Kelly
Shepard: “A lot of women like bad boys.”
Kelly: “That is a dirty stereotype. In my case that happens to be true, but still!”
Legion
[Forthcoming]
Miranda
Shepard: “You had a right not to follow your commander’s orders when they result in certain death.”
Miranda: “Well, we’ll have to remember that next Shepard orders us into near-certain death.”
Thane: “That’s about twice a day.”
[to Shepard]
Miranda: “I don’t have what you do –– that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself.”
“This is what I am, Shepard. I can’t hide it. The intelligence, the looks, even the biotics… [my father] paid for all of that. Every one of your accomplishments is due to your skill. The only things I can take credit for are my mistakes.”
Miranda: “This is no time to fall in love.”
Shepard: “Who said anything about love? I just want to get you into bed.”
Miranda: [Laughs] “You ass.”
Miranda: “I’ve cleared the engine room. Be there in five minutes.”
Shepard: “Should’ve known you wouldn’t settle for the captain’s quarters.”
Miranda: “I settle for nothing but the best.” [Winks at Shepard]
Mordin
“Not now, trying to discover how scale-itch infected the Normandy. Sexually transmitted, only carried by Varren. Implications…unpleasant.”
“About to test new bio weapon. Not on us, of course. Didn’t think I had to specify but Joker got nervous.”
[Singing to the tune of the Major-General’s Song in Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance]
“I am the very model of a scientist Salarian
I’ve studied species Turian, Asari, and Batarian
I’m quite good at genetic (a subset of biology)
Because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology)
My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian
I am the very model of a scientist Sa-lar-i-aaaaaan.”
“Actually, wanted to talk. Medical matters. Aware that mission is dangerous. Different species react differently to stress. Sexual activity normal stress release for humans and turians. Still recommend caution. Warn of chaffing.”
“Turians based on dextro amino acids. Human ingestion of tissue could produce allergic reaction. Anaphylactic shock possible. So don’t… [cough] ingest.”
“Enjoy yourself while possible, Shephard. Will be here, studying cell reproduction. Much simpler. Less alcohol and mood music required.”
Shepard: “You’ve had members of other species make a pass at you?”
Mordin: “Constantly. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by Turian standards. Subset of Krogan sexual deviants enjoy Salarian flexibility.”
“Working on Collector data. Have ruled out artificially intelligent virus. Unless it’s very intelligent… and toying with me. Mmmm.”
Shepard: “Do you ever pause for breath?”
Mordin: “Sorry… I’ll… try… to… slow… down… No, no no no. Can’t do it.”
Morinth
“Embrace eternity.”
Samara
[Forthcoming]
Tali
[To Shepard after being romanced]
“I just wanted you to know, I’m running a minor fever, my joints ache, and my sinuses are packed with I-don’t-know-what. But it was TOTALLY worth it.”
Garrus: “You mean we can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn’t I told?”
Tali: “Well that’s about every 4 minutes!”
“Please Shepard; I’m a Quarian! Give me a hunk of scrap metal, a circuit board, and some element zero, and I’ll have it making precision jumps!”
Garrus: “You ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?”
Tali: “No.”
Garrus: “Come on, remember how we’d all ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!”
Tali: “This conversation is over.”
Garrus: “Tell me again about your immune system.”
Tali: “I have a shotgun.”
Garrus: “Maybe we’ll talk later.”
Thane
“The law is only a protection if everyone agrees to be bound by it. We don’t.”
Shepard: “You had a right not to follow your commander’s orders when they result in certain death.”
Miranda: “Well, we’ll have to remember that next Shephard orders us into near-certain death.”
Thane: “That’s about twice a day.”
Zaeed
[Forthcoming]
Others
“You had him backing up worse than a Krogan toilet!” - Quarian, in reference to Shepard’s debating skills
“That means Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest-son-of-a-bitch in space! … I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty. Once you fire this hunk of metal, it keeps going until it hits something! That can be a ship, or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years! If you pull the trigger on this you are ruining someone’s day, somewhere and sometime!” – Alliance Gunnery Chief
“So you humans celebrate commitment by tempting infidelity?” - Salarian, forced to sit through a bachelor party by his human friend
“”Hey Rupert, you done something different with this? Tastes like you put in a lot more food and a lot less ass.” – Normandy crew member
“I AM A BIOTIC GOD!! I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like… a great wind! A GREAT BIOTIC WIND!!” - Drugged Volus
“Insincere endorsement: You have not experienced Shakespeare, until you have heard him through the voice of Elcor.” – Elcor actor
“I hear their screams at night… it’s great…” – Purgatory prisoner
“Don’t. Fuck. With Aria.” - Aria
“We’re gonna kick the Collectors right in their daddy bags.” – Engineer Donnelly
[At Citadel Customs]
Human Customs Agent: “Sir, I can’t let you take that with you.”
Turian: “That’s a deeply important spiritual object of my people!”
Human: “…it’s a 15 inch serrated blade”
Turian: “You humans are all racist!”
